What Doesn't Kill You (Makes You Stronger)
by xrosepetalsx
Summary: When Sasuke finally starts remembering what happened to him as a child, he turns to self-harm to lighten the burden. His best friend Naruto comes along to save him. Includes heavy themes such as abuse, molestation (incest), self-harm, and a suicide attempt.


**A/N:** Written for Kumiko Saitou who asked for another, more serious cutting fic. **Be warned** that this fic does include a lot of **abusive and incestuous themes** as well as **self harm** and a **suicide attempt**. The main character of this fic was **molested **by his brother, so if this is not something you would like to read, please leave now, because this features heavily. For clarification – part i. is meant to be written as if the character is living in a haze. Part ii. and on is meant to show the rest of the transitions.

**What Doesn't Kill You (Makes You Stronger)**

**- xrosepetalsx -**

_**prologue**_

Sasuke Uchiha wakes up one night to a long forgotten memory seared into the back of his eyelids, never to be forgotten again, and he cries great heaving sobs for the first time in his life because it's just _too much_ and he can't get ahold of himself.

He suddenly knows that long ago he had a brother, a brother he held very dear, but that now doesn't exist. While those sobs rack his body he thinks _I'm glad he's not in my life,_ but at the same time he can't help but wonder where that man is.

Gripping his head with fingers that hold tight he tries to forget, tries to force out of his head these images that pervade his mind from his dreams. He doesn't _want_ to remember these horrible things, and yet they just keep pouring in again and again. Somewhere deep inside, he wonders how he'd ever forgotten, and wishes he could bring out of himself that same mental block that had once held these memories at bay.

Because there's dark eyes and darker hair, and all this _skin_ and _blood_ and-

He falls into a fitful sleep, and in the morning, he almost doesn't remember, but from then on, the memories creep back in and he lives in a haze.

* * *

><p><em><strong>i.<strong>_

"_Sasuke-kun," he whispers._

"_Onii-chan…"_

"_Sasuke-kun," he murmurs. _

"_Onii-chan…"_

"_Sa-Sasuke-kun!" he groans._

"_Onii-chan!"_

He wakes in a cold sweat again, his shirt soaked through. This time he isn't crying.

Part of him doesn't want to believe the things that he had just seen, but the other part knows they weren't _just_ a dream. They were real, and they echoed with the sounds of something he'd experienced before, something he wishes he hadn't.

He remembers then, his brother's face. Dark and uncaring, it hovered above his own. Dark eyes pierced him and locked him in place.

He sits up and he's shaking, remembering the tremors that had gone through his own body in that terrible dream, and suddenly he see's a dark stain.

He reaches for it with trembling fingers. It's sticky, and he realizes he knows what it is.

He curls his fingers into his palms so tight it pierces skin, and silent tears trickle down his face.

The blood that slides down his wrist brings relief, and that's how it begins.

* * *

><p>"<em>I'll give you a ryo if you come with me Sasuke-kun," he cajoles.<em>

"_A whole ryo?"_

"_Of course. You just have to come with me."_

…

"_Put it in your mouth. It's okay, just think of it like a lolly."_

"_Onii-chan…"_

"_Please Sasuke-kun? For me?"_

This time he's in class, and he bites down on his tongue _hard_ because _why here why here why here? _

His mouth fills with blood and he swallows reflexively, but the tastes make him gag. He gets up and grabs the hall pass in the middle of his teachers lecture, and without slowing, makes his way to the bathroom.

He doesn't realize he's been followed until the door opens behind him and the sink is filled with blood.

"Sasuke? Sasuke what the hell happened?"

Warm tan arms grip his shoulders and force him to turn around.

"Tch," he responds and turns his head.

"What the fuck did you do to yourself Sasuke?" the blonde before him asks.

"Nothing."

"Bullshit it was nothing. Your mouth is full of blood. I can see it all over your fucking teeth, and if that weren't evidence enough, there's blood in the sink!"

"I bit my tongue. No big deal, dobe."

"Sasuke, what's going on with you. You've been acting weird lately."

"It's nothing."

* * *

><p>His skin <em>crawls<em>.

This time, it isn't a memory so much as it is a _feeling_. He remembers hands on him, caressing his skin and petting him and _licking him for fucks sake. _He wants to be sick, and he almost is except there's this other feeling accompanying the disgust and its _want_.

He feels his cock filling with blood, and he punches his balls so hard he really is sick. What comes up is bile and it burns itself all the way out of him. He heaves and he heaves and he heaves but the feelings refuse to go away, and that's when he becomes desperate.

He wants to cut away the very skin _that man_ had touched, and he throws open the drawers in the bathroom cupboards until he comes up with that tiny little thing his mom uses to clean under her nails.

He rips and he hacks at the flesh on his arms until he's sitting in a puddle of blood, and he finally feels relief. His whole body is numb.

He cleans up the bathroom extra carefully, cleans and bandages his arms in a kind of haze. He throws out the nail cleaner and no one's the wiser.

* * *

><p>He takes a shower that night and scrubs at his skin so <em>hard<em> his flesh starts to burn, but he doesn't care. He only scrubs harder, and harder, _and harder_, until his thighs start to bleed. He even scrubs his balls and his penis, and they hurt so bad afterwards that he can't even find it in himself to sit.

He still doesn't feel clean.

* * *

><p>"Sasuke-kun, will you go on a date with me?"<p>

"No billboard-brow, he's going on a date with me!"

"Shut up Ino-pig. Why would he ever date you?"

"Sasuke-kun, you'll go on a date with me, right?

"Sasuke-kun!"

"Sasuke-kun!"

"Sasuke-kun!"

"_Sasuke-kun…"_

He lashes out and there's blood everywhere. He's punched one of them in the face and they're both staring at him, aghast.

"You're a bully!" one of them yells, as she puts her arm around the other one and guides her to the bathroom.

He's still seeing red, and his skin is prickling in _that_ _way_. Tremors race through his body, and his cock begins to stir.

He cringes, turns and lashes out again, punching a random locker as hard as he can. Blood drips down his fist.

"Sasuke?"

"What!?" he snarls, spinning around ready to launch another attack.

"Sasuke, what the fuck is going on with you?"

"Just leave me alone, Naruto!" he shouts and storms off.

Inside his head, all he can see is his brother rocking against him and he wants to scream. Blood trails behind him from his bloodied fist, but it's not enough. He grips his arm and squeezes until he feels a warm trickle. He's ripped open an old cut, and it feels so _good_ to feel nothing.

* * *

><p>"<em>Onii-chan, Onii-chan, <em>Onii-chan!_" he moans, and his brother smirks._

"_Onii-chan, I love you…"_

"_I love you too, Sasuke-kun," he purrs with a lecherous look on his face, _and that's when the door slams in his face.

He's sitting there at his desk and he knows that something terrible happened next, but he can't remember.

He can't remember and it makes him _pissed_.

How can he be remembering ever other horrible grievance his brother committed to him but he can't remember this one? How can he still _feel_ those hands on his skin and _not remember_ what his brother did to him in that room?

"_If you really love me you'll-"_

He squirms and he thrusts down his pants. His cock is singing and he wants it to stop, he wants it to _stop right now_.

He grabs the scissors out of his backpack and plunges them at his thigh. Something stills his hand just enough. He doesn't stab himself through, but he does use the edge of one of the blades to slice through his thigh, and he leans his head back with a deep sigh.

He wishes that he could feel numb like this every day.

* * *

><p>"Sasuke, let's hang out today."<p>

"No."

"Why the fuck not?"

He doesn't reply.

"We used to hang out all the time, what the fuck's happened to you?"

"Tch."

"I used to believe I was your best friend, but now…now you've created this giant wall between us and I don't know how to get around it."

"Then maybe you should stop trying," he hears himself respond, but he doesn't really mean it. He feels hollow inside and he doesn't like it. It's not like when he's numb. This is almost worse than feeling his body react to the memories of someone –

"…I miss you Sasuke," his best friend says, and then he's gone.

"Naruto…'

* * *

><p>"<em>Itachi, wha- what is going on in here?"<em>

"_Itachi how could you!"_

"_Onii-chan, Onii-chan!"_

"_Mommy I love him, I love him! Where are you taking Onii-chan? Where are you taking him!?"_

"_Itachi what have you done…"_

"_You can't stay here any longer…I'm sorry but you can't."_

He throws his head back and breathes deep. Peels back his t-shirt and grabs the scissors he used to rip open his thigh the other night. Slow and steady, he makes a thin line across his belly. Drags the point up his abdomen, alighting tiny shivers up his spine. He makes random lines until he's numb once again.

"Itachi…" he says real quietly, and feels his face screw up in a frown.

"I fucking hate you…"

* * *

><p>"Mother," he says one night, slipping slowly into a chair in front of the kitchen counter. She looks up from cutting her vegetables for dinner and smiles at him.<p>

"Yes, honey?"

"Where's Itachi."

There is no response, only the slowing down of the steady chopping until finally she puts the knife down.

"Itachi?" she asks with a small frown, refusing to look up at his face.

"My brother."

"He had to go away," she says, turning away slowly. He stares at her back.

"Why?" he asks, even though he already knows the answer.

"Are you finally remembering then, Sasuke?" she asks instead.

"Yes."

"I'm sorry."

* * *

><p><em><strong>ii.<strong>_

"Mikoto, no."

"Why not? He's remembering, Fugaku. We can't just leave him like this."

"He's a strong boy, he'll be fine.

"And what happens if he's not as strong as you think he is, huh? We have to get him in to see a counselor. He needs to _talk_ to someone."

"I said _no_. I won't have anyone knowing our business. Itachi is gone, and Sasuke is strong enough to deal with this on his own."

* * *

><p>Sasuke's memories are growing clearer. He has this feeling, all over his skin sometimes, like he's just not <em>safe<em>, and he curls in on himself. He knows he's even more prickly than normal. Even the girls give him a wide berth.

Even Naruto avoids him now. He sends him looks in class. Sasuke can feel them burning into the side of his head, but he never looks back. He's afraid to look back.

The only thing that calms him down is to make himself bleed, by whatever means necessary. Sometimes, he stares at the counselor's office door. A few times, the counselor, Iruka Umino catches him looking, but every time Mr. Umino smiles at him, he walks away.

He wears long sleeves to cover the wreck he's made of his arms. He bandages them every night, from the elbow down so that no one will notice random bulges.

His skin is beginning to look more and more wrecked, but he doesn't care. He craves the feeling of numbness. He doesn't know how to live anymore with the memory of his brother's touch, his perverted _love_ echoing in his head.

He continues to get erections, and he hates himself every time it happens.

He doesn't know what's wrong with him, but Sasuke blames every mark on his skin on his brother.

* * *

><p>"Sasuke I will not stand for this," Fugaku announces one night at the dinner table.<p>

He doesn't respond.

"You're teachers have been calling here, and that – that…_counselor_ of yours, Mr. Umino? They want to know what's wrong with you. You better watch yourself son. I will not have anyone looking down their noses at us."

"Fugaku!" his mother yells in surprise.

"I mean it Sasuke. Get your act together."

Sasuke leaves the dinner table without touching his plate. He hears his mother fighting with his father, but he knows it doesn't matter what she says.

His father is right.

* * *

><p>"<em>Sasuke-kun, oh-oh-oh Sasuke-kun!"<em>

The blade is in his hand before he's even fully awake, and he's running over the very edge of his thigh, hissing because even against his skin he can feel the stickiness of his cum, and he's disgusted with himself.

He used to _come_ for his fucking _brother_, and now he's doing it again when the man isn't even here.

He wants to scream, but he doesn't. He grits his teeth and carves into his skin because it's the only release he can give himself.

His sheets are covered in blood. It's 4 am but it doesn't matter. Sasuke gets up to do the laundry, because his parent's wont notice and he knows he wont be able to sleep again.

* * *

><p>The feeling like his skin is crawling with the touch of his brother starts to get so bad, even the feeling of his clothing, his <em>sheets<em> starts to become so unbearable he's cutting himself three, four times a day.

He can't stop. It's too much. He wants to _die_ he feels so disgusted with himself. There's all these memories swirling around in his head of him doing _things_ with his brother. His own _brother_ for _fuck's _sakes.

Sasuke craves into his skin because there's nothing else he can do, but he hates himself every minute of every day.

He _enjoyed_ his brother's every touch. He'd _come_ for Itachi.

He starts to believe he deserves to bleed.

* * *

><p>"Naruto," Sasuke says one afternoon, standing behind his best friend.<p>

"Sasuke," Naruto says back, turning with a raised brow. "Are you finally talking to me again?"

Sasuke grits his teeth and walks away. Naruto doesn't come after him.

* * *

><p>Sasuke cuts himself in the bathroom. He'd gone to his best friend for help, and he'd walked away because of his pride. He deserved every mark on his skin. He deserved to be a disgrace.<p>

* * *

><p>"<em>Onii-chan, let me touch it…" he pleads. <em>

"_Nah-ah-ah Sasuke. We follow my rules, remember? Bend over."_

"_Onii-chan, Onii-chan!"_

"One day, I will _kill_ you Itachi!" he shouts when he wakes up, and he hears someone coming down the stairs.

His mother opens the door slowly and comes in, but he only lies down and turns his back on her. She sighs and sits on the edge of his bed anyway, petting his back. For once, he's able to fall asleep again and wakes up without nightmares and without any new blood on his hands.

* * *

><p>"Come over today," he says, and Naruto nods without a word.<p>

They walk home together in silence, and Sasuke's heart is racing. He need's help, he knows he does, but he's afraid of what Naruto will say. Of what he will do. If his own best friend finds him disgusting after he tells him, he doesn't know what he'll do.

When they get to his house, it's empty. His parents are working.

Sasuke wastes no time in stripping off his shirt.

"Sasuke, what are you doing?" Naruto asks in total surprise.

Then he gasps. Sasuke strips off his jeans, and then starts unwinding his bandages. Naruto only stares.

When Sasuke finally looks at him, there's terror in his eyes and he's shaking his head in denial.

"I can't deal with this," Naruto says, and then he's gone.

Sasuke sits down and tries to cry, but he can't.

* * *

><p>"Sasuke I'm sorry," Naruto says the next day. Sasuke doesn't answer.<p>

"Please."

This time, Sasuke walks away.

* * *

><p>Every chance that Naruto gets for the next few weeks, he tries to apologize to Sasuke, tries to get him to listen, but Sasuke won't.<p>

Sasuke is hurt.

Cuts crisscross up and down every part of his body that he can hide, but he starts leaving his arms alone. He thinks if the scars fade fast enough and he stops wearing bandages and long sleeves, maybe Naruto will think he's normal again. Maybe they can be friends again.

He doesn't think he deserves that.

His skin itches and prickles. His problems continue. Lately, he's taken to throwing up. He can't handle the feeling of his brother's touch on him anymore, can't stand the memories that slam into him every chance they get. He can't stand the nightmares anymore, and that face, _that face_ that he's staring to see everywhere –

Sasuke wants to die.

* * *

><p>"Damnit Teme, <em>I just want to help you!"<em> Naruto yells one afternoon when he is finally able to slam Sasuke into his locker.

Sasuke's eyes are wide, and his heart is pounding, and Naruto's got his hands fisted in his shirt. Sasuke can't move.

"I'm sorry I ran away before, okay? It was just…so much to look at…Sasuke, what are you doing to yourself? What's wrong? How long has this been going on for?" and the look on Naruto's face is so heartbreaking that Sasuke just bows his head and lets his bangs hide his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Sasuke says quietly, and it's the first time he's ever apologized.

"Oh Sasuke," Naruto says, and he pulls him to close to hug him. "We'll get through this together."

* * *

><p><em><strong>iii.<strong>_

Sasuke tells Naruto everything. He tells him about what happened when he was younger, about the nightmares and the memories and the way his skin feels sometimes, _all the time_.

Naruto just listens and holds his hand. It feels good to Sasuke to have the warmth of someone else to hold onto, but he still freezes up sometimes, still yanks his hand back as if he's been scalded.

A few times he even lashes out.

"_Fuck _you, Naruto!"

"You could _never_ understand!"

"I _hate _you!"

And a few times, he almost even cries.

"I deserve to die."

"It's my fault, what happened to me."

"I _enjoyed_ it."

Naruto just listens and tries to comfort him as best as he can.

* * *

><p>"You need to see a counselor," Naruto tells him.<p>

Sasuke shakes his head. "I can't."

"Why not?"

"My father would kill me."

"Fuck your father, Sasuke. Fuck him."

Sasuke just continues to shake his head. He doesn't want to go see a counselor. He doesn't want to see the pitying look on Mr. Umino's face. He doesn't want the whole school around him to have _proof_ that something's wrong with him.

He doesn't want to be told that it's _not his fault,_ because _it is_.

"We'll get through this Sasuke. We'll get through this together."

Sasuke wants to believe him, but he doesn't know if he can.

* * *

><p>Naruto makes Sasuke to promise to stop cutting himself, but Sasuke tells him he doesn't think he can. They make a deal. When Sasuke feels the need to cut himself, he comes to Naruto and they find a way to deal with it. If Sasuke can't get to Naruto, then it's up to him. If he cut's himself, he cut's himself, and they'll deal with it in time.<p>

Naruto starts spending a lot of time around Sasuke, and a few times, goes home with a black eye or a bloody nose. He says he doesn't mind.

They start running. Naruto says it will help, but Sasuke doesn't believe him. In fact, he's so out of shape, it only pisses him off more.

Naruto jog's in place besides him while Sasuke gasps and growls on the floor. Sometimes, Sasuke catches a grin on his face and it only makes him angrier.

After a while, he starts to notice the feeling of his skin crawling starting to fade.

* * *

><p>"I think, maybe, you need to meet with Itachi," Naruto says one evening, and Sasuke lashes out so badly he has to ask his parents to drive Naruto to the hospital with a fractured wrist.<p>

He sits with Naruto at his house until he's forced to leave without saying a word. Naruto does all the talking, telling Sasuke it wasn't his fault, but Sasuke knows…Sasuke knows _all_ of it is his fault.

He walks home and when he gets there, he carves into his thighs some more.

* * *

><p>He asks his mom where Itachi is.<p>

"Sasuke, I'm not allowed to tell you."

"Because father says so?" he asks. His mother grimaces.

"I don't care. Tell me."

So she does.

* * *

><p>Sasuke doesn't tell Naruto that he's going. When he gets dropped off for school one day, he ditches and catches a bus instead. They drive for 4 hours before he finally gets off, and he walks into the neighborhood he thinks the house is in.<p>

He gets lost, and starts wondering around. A large hand drops onto his shoulder from behind and he jumps, turning around.

He comes face to face with the face that haunts his dreams, and before he can stop himself, he slams his fist into Itachi's cheekbone.

His breathing is labored and angry, and all he see's is red.

"It's nice to see you too, little brother."

"I _HATE YOU_," he shouts, and when his brother only nods and smiles with a tiny twitch to his lips, Sasuke slugs him again.

"Still feisty, I see."

Sasuke realizes this was a mistake at the same time that he snaps. He's on his brother so fast neither one of them expected it, and the next time he's aware of his surroundings he's at a police station and his parents are rushing in.

Fugaku is furious.

* * *

><p>"I told you Sasuke could <em>never <em>know where his brother was!" his father roars.

"I couldn't keep it from him, Fugaku. Sasuke is suffering, and you're too stubborn to see it."

"I will not have Sasuke sullying our name!"

"Have you seen his arms, Fugaku? Do you have any idea what he's doing to himself?"

"I don't care if he slits his own wrists, so long as he keeps it a secret!"

Someone slams a door downstairs, and he's willing to bet it was his mother.

* * *

><p>The next day at school, everyone's heard about what happened the other day. Even four hours away, the news has managed to spread, and everyone knows what the youngest Uchiha has been getting up too.<p>

"I didn't even know Sasuke had a brother," many people say, and Sasuke wishes they would shut up.

On his thigh, he has a few new cuts. He presses into them to feel the sweet feeling of relief, and goes numb.

Naruto finds him at lunch with a blade in his hands, pressing into his side behind the school. He doesn't say anything, just takes the blade from him and cleans the blood from his skin.

Sasuke feels dazed.

Naruto kisses him.

* * *

><p><em><strong>iv.<strong>_

Sasuke blocks Naruto out of his life for a few weeks. Naruto stares at him from far away with a wounded look on his face, but doesn't try and approach him.

He gets worse again. He cuts himself every chance he gets, but suddenly, he can't find that feeling of numbness anywhere inside of him. The cutting isn't helping anymore.

He cuts himself anyway. It hurts more now, and he cries. He feels like something is seriously wrong with him, and he finds himself increasingly disgusted with himself.

His parents are fighting and he misses his best friend.

He doesn't know what he's running from. He liked the feeling of Naruto's lips against his.

He thinks he doesn't deserve a happy ending.

* * *

><p>That night he slits his wrists and calls Naruto, gasping into the phone. As he lays there dying, listening to the sound of the ambulance fighting to get to him from who knows how far away, he finds himself thinking everything is finally going to be over. Everything is finally going to be okay.<p>

But at the same time, he doesn't believe it's because he's going to die here. In fact, Sasuke's fairly certain he's going to be saved.

Naruto arrives before the ambulance, and presses cloth to his wrists to stop the bleeding.

He screams for help, but Sasuke's parents are at a gala. That's why he'd picked tonight.

Naruto rides with him in the ambulance. Sasuke survives the night.

* * *

><p>His suicide attempt is all over the news, and pictures of his mutilated skin are everywhere. Sasuke knows his father must be pissed, but Mikoto tells them everything. She sits by Sasuke's bed side with tears streaming down her face and tells Sasuke that everything is going to be okay now, that'll she take care of him.<p>

Sasuke believes her.

* * *

><p>He's in counseling. He stays in the hospital for a few weeks for monitoring, and is on strict suicide watch, but he doesn't mind. The counselors are helping him, and Naruto gets to see him often.<p>

He doesn't try and kiss Sasuke again, but Sasuke doesn't mind. He holds Naruto's hand often, and he almost never feels like his skin is crawling with Itachi's touch anymore. He's starting to feel happier.

* * *

><p>The first time Sasuke kisses Naruto, it's in his bedroom back home when he's finally allowed to return. Naruto is hesitant, and doesn't let Sasuke lick into his mouth, but Sasuke doesn't mind. He wants to take it slow.<p>

Naruto says "I've wanted to kiss you for so long, Sasuke."

Sasuke only nods his head.

"That first day you took off your shirt for me, I thought you were going to proposition me. But then I saw all the scars, and it scared me. I'm in love with you Sasuke. Can you imagine what it felt like to see you like that? I couldn't handle it. I'm sorry."

"I understand," Sasuke says, and he means it. He kisses Naruto again before he can say anything else, and he clasps his hand tightly in his own.

The idea of anyone loving him scares him, and he doesn't know if he believes it, doesn't think he'll ever _deserve_ it, but it doesn't matter. Naruto makes him feel warm and safe and cared for, and that's all that does matter.

* * *

><p>He still feels the desire to cut himself, but he has his councilor's, his mother, and Naruto on his side now.<p>

They run together, Naruto laughing at him along the way.

Sasuke still gets angry, and most of the time pushes himself too far, but the running is helping. He doesn't have that crushing need to press something sharp into his skin anymore afterwards.

His councilor explains it to him saying that that anger and hurt that drives him to cut himself is being fueled into his running instead, and instead of forcing those feelings away, he's dealing with them through exercise. He accepts that answer.

Naruto says something about endorphins, and how they make you happy when released through exercise.

That doesn't make sense.

He cocks an eyebrow at Naruto and says "Usuratonkachi."

* * *

><p>Sasuke looks up the word "endorphins" and decides maybe Naruto is smarter than he looks.<p>

* * *

><p><em><strong>epilogue<strong>_

By the time Sasuke gets better, a year or so later, he's able to say "I love you," to Naruto.

"Sasuke," Naruto says back in awe.

"Dobe," he says.

Naruto grins. "I love you too, Sasuke."

Sasuke believes him, and for the first time, feels worthy of it.


End file.
